I thought I was great at relationships… but it turned out I wasn’t. Because when love knocked on my door again, after clawing my way out of an abusive relationship, I wasn’t ready.
Let me share a bit of my personal story. What feels like an eternity ago, terrified yet desperate, I packed up my kids, a few of their favorite toys, and whatever scraps of dignity I had left, unsure if we could make it on our own.
Sometimes, we cling to the hope that things will get better. Other times, staying hurts more than stepping into the dark abyss of the unknown. For me, it was the realization of the damage I was doing to my own children. I don’t remember what the final cut was after thousands of small ones, but that decision changed my life forever. That day marked the beginning of my personal liberation, and when I finally planted the seed of self-love.
As I worked to put my pieces back together, my inner Warrior —the part of me I’d identified with since I became the little girl without a daddy— resurfaced stronger than ever. It felt damn good to be HER again. She had saved me so many times before, like slipping into a perfectly custom-made armor. I became untouchable once more. Or so I thought…
In my pursuit of independence, I lost sight of balance. Without my intuition’s guidance —which at the time felt like my weakest link, and the thought of vulnerability made me want to puke— my feminine nature became buried beneath layers of my masculine qualities.
Every day, I kept going, doing, striving, driving, making decisions, accomplishing, competing, succeeding, bossing… nonstop! Drowned out by the need to dominate and to conquer, “Stand your ground, CJ!”, I kept repeating to myself — until one day, I realized I had lost my way.
Though my armor helped me survive temporarily — as a single mom climbing the corporate ladder — the act of receiving became foreign to me: help, comfort, support, or love. My Warrior had locked the Goddess away, along with all my emotions. I was beyond exhausted. I had lost connection with my true strength, and the quiet stillness of just being, of feeling, became alien to me.
I share this story with you so that you understand why being in my feminine was so much harder for me.
For years, I identified with the independent woman who ‘would never need a man.‘ It felt familiar. It even felt safe—though, looking back, it was a distorted sense of safety. Opening my heart again felt terrifying and vulnerable. So instead, I kept building wall after wall around my broken heart.
But eventually, I began my healing journey. I started letting go of resentment and, finally, I forgave—him, them, and myself. I embarked on a path of reclaiming the lost and disowned parts of myself. It wasn’t easy, but I had to be willing to open my heart again, to learn how to stand my ground, and also to surrender. I liberated the Goddess, and she showed me how to reconnect with my divine feminine.
When I finally put my guard down and opened the door to love—without expectation or fear—that’s when the light entered. And in that moment, I invited the true intimacy I had been longing for.
In the delicate dance of Warrior and Goddess, I found both strength and authentic connection. They became allies. For so long, I believed that to be strong, I had to reject my vulnerability, my softness, my ability to receive. I thought my Warrior-self had to dominate and overpower everything. But the truth is, she needed the Goddess — the part of me that could receive, trust, feel deeply, and surrender. She needed that soft power, the grace and wisdom that only comes from being in alignment with my heart. When I allowed the Warrior and Goddess to work together, I realized that I didn’t have to choose one over the other. They were two sides of the same coin. Together, they made me whole. The Warrior brought the courage to face my fears, to protect myself and my loved ones. The Goddess brought the compassion and intuition to guide me through my wounds, helping me heal in ways I hadn’t imagined. They didn’t conflict with each other; they complemented each other. The more I let them work in harmony, the more I felt my whole self-emerge — powerful, but open; strong, but soft; capable, but surrendered.
In a way, I feel like the moment I relinquished control of the masculine seat, I made room for the right partner to come along — a true King. Someone who wants to care for me, protect me, who honors and adores me, and longs to grow alongside me. It was in this union of the feminine and masculine that I found my true liberation.
When I stopped resisting the softness of my feminine and embraced the full power of both the Warrior and the Goddess within me, everything shifted. The balance I had been seeking — within myself and in my relationships — became not only possible, but inevitable. And in that harmony, I invited the love I had always deserved.
If I was able to do it, so can you.
